I felt like the past week was a week of closures that I didn’t realise I needed. It somehow feels fitting that the song I can’t get out of my head is the one by Owl Eyes.
And somehow I also feel a kind of joyful emancipation from the things that I have allowed myself to be a slave to for the past four months of my crazy semester.
I was a slave to my feelings and desires for one person. I allowed it to dictate my actions, boundaries and emotional well-being. Truth is, I was so insecure that I thought I was in love with him when I was really just craving the attention that he gave me. It led into all kinds of tension and stress and miscommunication that took so much talking and growing on my part to get to a healthy place. It involved me being disgusted with myself for pining for yet another person who cannot and will not love me the way I want (and the way God has always been pining and running after me—the God I should have been returning devotion and love to). And as a result of this insecurity and obsession I stopped looking after myself and started losing myself. The wake up call at the end of semester helped me unclench everything, stop forcing things to happen and I can finally enjoy the friendship for what it is. I am blessed to have someone look out for me even after the initial rejection of my affections, who can make me laugh and remember how precious I am to God just the way I am. I need to break out of this cycle and change, and real change in this area involves real change in my heart and attitudes towards my insecurities and understanding God’s love. So my love life and heart? Now all in God’s hands. I have spent six years running after and trying to control it, I finally have the humility to put it at God’s feet to do with it as He has always wanted.
I was prideful and tried to take on too many things. In the end I became a slave to my commitments. Part of it was this was thinking I needed to sustain myself and so took on two jobs. Part of it was pride in thinking I could surely do it, I just needed to focus. Bad decision. I cannot prioritise everything—I tried and all areas of my life suffered. I was burnt out, spiritually exhausted, mentally drained and physically unwell. So I had to also adjust; dropping and switching jobs with more realistic hours, learning to say no (fighting my people pleasing nature) and delegate my time to the right things. I know I won’t feel it until Uni starts up again but I already feel better having less unnecessary things in my life.
I didn’t realise that I became a slave to a strange kind of reverse peer pressure. I had over the last two years unwittingly and subconsciously comparing myself to the people around me and as a result been working way too hard to relate to people, suppress my interests, personality and passions and keep up with the things going on around me. And I woke up one morning a week ago almost not recognising myself. What happened to the girl who listened to Chopin and Tchaikovsky while making 3D models? Or the girl who loved spending hours reading a good book, playing classical guitar pieces or drawing? The girl who loved getting lost in the city and finding record stores or loved meeting people in sweet shops and deli’s. Dancing to music she loves in her room. Taking photos. Wandering around in art galleries and shops. Making things just because it made her happy. Dressing the way she wanted to and wearing her hair short even if other people discouraged her from doing it. Passionate and creative and musical. Loving people fearlessly. Running joyfully after times she could be with God every day.
I wanted to find her again—she was me, two years ago before I cared about what people thought of me, what I did in comparison to what everyone else did, what I even expected of myself to do. It all came down to being a slave to my insecurities again—I didn’t love the person God made me to be, I thought I needed to be someone else to be loved or even worked so hard to be loved by people instead of just loving myself and allowing the right people in my life who loved me as myself.
I was a slave to guilt. I realised that I haven’t really understood grace or God’s unconditional love and spent so much time far from God because I thought I needed to fix myself and be in a better place before I could approach Him. I wasted so much time being away from Him because of my pride when all I had to do was admit that I didn’t have everything covered and need his help and forgiveness and healing. Because I had a hard time forgiving myself. And as soon as I started to understand even a small portion of this grace and love, I was completely blown over and enamoured. I felt so much joy and excitement for my relationship with God again. I felt God’s love bring life back into my bones and heart. It’s strange that you can convince yourself that you’ve been living or walking with God but you haven’t…until God’s love and grace starts to make more sense in your life. Until it becomes the thing that motivates you to love people and get up out of bed every day.
I woke up this morning excited to be alive for the first time in two years. Excited, not because of a boy, or something that would distract me from things that stress me out. I didn’t wake up dreading work, dreading being with people, or even dreading to look at myself in the mirror. I woke up excited to read my Bible and pray today, excited to dance and sing and get ready for work, excited to be with my family and friends enjoying an Italian masterpieces exhibition and embracing the life God gave me. I had been asleep and ungrateful and a slave for so long to things that only existed in my mind.
Thank you God for putting the right people, situations and scripture in my life to jolt me again. Thank you for your endless love and peace that have started motivating me to really live with joy again today.
I had a little too much red wine, the most amazing gourmet sandwich, salad and red velvet cake. Talked for hours with the couple closest to my heart and cried my woes off. Got some advice on discipling new young sisters. Watched some Charlie Chaplain (was asleep for half the film) by the warmth of a fire.
Sometimes life just gets a bit much. And thank you God for the most amazing people who take care of me when I’ve just had enough.
It’s easy to go through life thinking that we’re average; we’re ordinary. “There’s nothing special about me. I’m just one of the six billion people on earth.” No, when God created you, He put a part of Himself in you. You could say that you have the DNA of Almighty God. You are destined to do great things, destined to leave your mark on this generation. The truth is, there is nothing average about you; but too many times we don’t realize who we are. We focus on our weaknesses or what we don’t have. We focus on the mistakes we’ve made or the family from which we’ve come. We end up settling for mediocrity when we were created for greatness!
If you’re going to break out of average, you need to remind yourself every day, “I have the DNA of the Most High God. Greatness is in my genes. I come from a bloodline of champions.” If you’ll have the attitude of a champion, you’ll live the life of a champion and boldly embrace the blessings He has in store for you!